The Expendables 2

It was with a certain degree of excitement that I went along to an afternoon screening of a film I knew was going to be one of two things: over-the-top or, well, over-the-top. That film was The Expendables 2, and I can happily say that I wasn't wrong.

You only have to watch The Expendables to know exactly what you're getting with The Expendables 2 and that, I'm afraid, is damning with faint praise. The Expendables 2 reunites the old gang from the first film (Sylvester Stallone, Jason Statham, Jet Li, Dolph Lundgren) and throws in some more action-heroes for good measure in the form of Chuck Norris, Jean-Claude Van Damme, Bruce Willis and Arnold Schwarzenegger. The result is certainly explosive and it's safe to say that a drag act is more understated and reserved than The Expendables 2.

We'll address the plot first, which sees Mr Church (Willis) send the expendables on a mission which should be a walk-in-the-park. But when one of their men is killed in cold blood, the need for revenge leads the ageing heroes deep into enemy territory. I'll begin by stating the obvious: subtlety, nuanced performances and intricate story lines were not this film's forte. This is, however, kinda the point. Audiences don't go to see an action film expecting anything less than all-out, full-throttle madness. This madness took the form of action sequences which were tautly-edited and (although it shames me to say it) really quite enjoyable. From the opening sequence to the film's denouement, the explosive violence and crazy fight scenes were so over-the-top and so excessive, that I found myself sitting in stunned consternation. There was also, I'll admit, a grin on my face.

With the outrageous action to one side, there was a serious issue with plot exposition which felt rather stagnant. In many ways, it felt as though scenes in which Arnie muttered one-liners and Stallone tried to pull off convincing emotion were mere padding and I kept wanting the film to get back to the thing we'd all come to see: a group of OAPs blowing things up. At one point, Stallone exclaims that his new aeroplane belongs in a museum. “We all do” returns Schwarzenegger. Never has a piece of cinematic dialogue rung more true.

To the film's credit, the screenplay (co-written by Stallone) was suitably self-aware of all the tropes of B-movie action films and wasn't afraid to send itself up. Then again, to have done anything else would have been seriously silly. As the body count rose higher than an episode of Midsomer Murders, I came to the realisation that despite the camp action, predictability and feeling that I could have been watching an advert for Age Concern UK, The Expendables 2 really is rather fun. Its indulgent, no-brain attitude to violence and fighting can't be applauded for insight or originality but that's no bad thing and it is certainly an entertaining watch. Roll on The Expendables 3 (!). 

Clapperboard Rating: * * 

Brave

There are two giants within the world of animation: Disney Pixar and Dreamworks. Both studios have produced massively-successful films over the years and this summer, it's the turn of Disney Pixar to step up to the metaphorical plate and continue its brilliance, inventiveness and superiority when it comes to things that don't exist in reality. And their offering? Brave.

It's been two years since Pixar released Toy Story 3 and cemented the trilogy in the annals of film history as being one of the very few trilogies where, arguably, every film gets better than the last. It may seem a little odd at first that the American studio have chosen the Highlands of Scotland to set their latest film, Brave, a story of self-determination, punctuated by every imaginable Scottish stereotype. The film charts the fortunes of Rebekah Brooks look-a-like Merida (played by Kelly Macdonald), a princess whose impassioned personality matches her fiery red locks. When her mother (voiced by Emma Thompson) decides it is time to find her a suitor, Merida is far from happy and sets out to take her fate into her own hands. What you have here is, in many ways, typical Pixar: a film with a moral message at its centre, with enough laughs along the way to retain a certain charm for which the studio has become known. But, behind the cheap gags and visually-arresting shots of a Scottish countryside which could only exist in a CGI world, there is something very genuine and really rather touching about Brave.

Recent trends in cinema and in general society have placed the strong, independent woman at the centre of attention. This is the first time that Pixar have elected for a female lead and her character is the epitome of ferocious autonomy: Merida knows how to fire a bow better than any man, is not afraid of speaking her mind and doesn't feel pressured into following the wishes of her mother. This characterisation was refreshing and sat well within the film's plot and overall narrative, which had a nice mix between action, drama and gags. Whilst the film's gags were up to Pixar's usual standards, I did find myself willing there to be more of them and I feel that the script was slightly underdeveloped in this respect. For example, Merida seeks the advice of a witch who, whilst she was on-screen, was spectacularly amusing but her character's appearance was all too short. Flashes of comedic brilliance which would make adults and children laugh at the same joke – but for different reasons – did shine through but (for me at least) there just wasn't enough of it.

The technical animation was executed to a very high standard and managed to retain a realism in the characters' faces which is instantly-recognisable as the work of Pixar. The vocal talent from Macdonald, Thompson, Billy Connolly, Julie Walters and Robbie Coltrane certainly added further life and vivacity to the animated characters and, placed alongside the rich vibrancy of the visuals, the film is a pleasure to watch. In many ways, Brave plays itself straight down the line, evoking little of the early ambition shown by Pixar during its infancy. This doesn't, however, really matter. The film's simplicity is one of its main successes and ensures that the audience can just sit back and enjoy every “aye”, “wee” and “cannae”.

Whilst Brave is nothing startlingly new in the arena of animation and could do with just a few more jokes, its solid plot, convincing morals and superb performances all make for a hugely-entertaining motion picture. Enjoy. 

Clapperboard Rating: * * * 

Ted

I can safely say that my most recent trip to the cinema was one of the most mind-numbing, irritating and, quite frankly, depressing experiences I have had so far this year. Why, I hear you ask? For once it wasn't the annoying 3D; it wasn't my fellow audience members making too much noise as they demolished buckets of over-priced popcorn and waved their mobiles around like they were at a rave in Ibiza; it wasn't even the constant chatter of the two cretins sat in front of me. No, on this occasion, the problem was more fundamental: the film.

Ted is the first feature film from Seth MacFarlane, the creator of the animated TV series Family Guy. It charts the friendship between John Bennett (Mark Wahlberg) and his teddy bear who, thanks to a wish John made as a little boy, can talk. As the pair grow up, their relationship begins to be put under strain as John's girlfriend Lori (Mila Kunis) becomes unhappy with their situation. And so the stage is set for a 'comedy' about a pot-smoking teddy and a guy who just can't get his life sorted. In many ways, the only thing you need to know about Ted is that it's spectacularly unfunny. Moreover, there are more laughs to be had in an embalming workshop than throughout the entire 106 minutes of Ted.

I really did go into the screening with an open mind and wanting to laugh at the outrageous comedy for which MacFarlane is famous. Instead, I raised a vague smile twice throughout the whole film and didn't laugh a single time. Not once. The jokes in Ted were poorly set-up, lacked any comedic flair and too often relied on crass and offensive material. MacFarlane truly excelled himself by including not one, but two 9/11 jokes which would have needed to have been astronomically good for them to not be hugely offensive. Unfortunately they seemed to have been included to try and get laughs through shock tactics: 'did he really just say that?!'. Such jokes were lazy at best, and criminal at worst.

Wahlberg and Kunis made for a fairly unremarkable couple (although not without merit) and there's no denying that MacFarlane's vocal talents lifted a CGI bear which would have otherwise been annoying. Actually, I take that back: he was as irritating as BBC Olympic commentators who use 'medal' as a verb. The film's narrative stumbles down various avenues which lead to nowhere and I found myself slumping in my seat, willing the torturous meandering from bad joke to no joke to end. This dull carousel of non-existent humour was tempered by the few gags which appeared in the trailer: suffice to say that if you've seen the trailer for Ted, you've seen the best bits.

Ted is supremely unfunny and has the potential to offend pretty much anyone who sets foot in their local multiplex. Fine if this humour has some basis in true wit or satire but the indolent writing and generally misjudged nature of MacFarlane's sense of humour reinforces the fact that Ted is an awful film. If you do have the misfortune to sit through it, I truly pity you. 

Clapperboard Rating: *