Ted

I can safely say that my most recent trip to the cinema was one of the most mind-numbing, irritating and, quite frankly, depressing experiences I have had so far this year. Why, I hear you ask? For once it wasn't the annoying 3D; it wasn't my fellow audience members making too much noise as they demolished buckets of over-priced popcorn and waved their mobiles around like they were at a rave in Ibiza; it wasn't even the constant chatter of the two cretins sat in front of me. No, on this occasion, the problem was more fundamental: the film.

Ted is the first feature film from Seth MacFarlane, the creator of the animated TV series Family Guy. It charts the friendship between John Bennett (Mark Wahlberg) and his teddy bear who, thanks to a wish John made as a little boy, can talk. As the pair grow up, their relationship begins to be put under strain as John's girlfriend Lori (Mila Kunis) becomes unhappy with their situation. And so the stage is set for a 'comedy' about a pot-smoking teddy and a guy who just can't get his life sorted. In many ways, the only thing you need to know about Ted is that it's spectacularly unfunny. Moreover, there are more laughs to be had in an embalming workshop than throughout the entire 106 minutes of Ted.

I really did go into the screening with an open mind and wanting to laugh at the outrageous comedy for which MacFarlane is famous. Instead, I raised a vague smile twice throughout the whole film and didn't laugh a single time. Not once. The jokes in Ted were poorly set-up, lacked any comedic flair and too often relied on crass and offensive material. MacFarlane truly excelled himself by including not one, but two 9/11 jokes which would have needed to have been astronomically good for them to not be hugely offensive. Unfortunately they seemed to have been included to try and get laughs through shock tactics: 'did he really just say that?!'. Such jokes were lazy at best, and criminal at worst.

Wahlberg and Kunis made for a fairly unremarkable couple (although not without merit) and there's no denying that MacFarlane's vocal talents lifted a CGI bear which would have otherwise been annoying. Actually, I take that back: he was as irritating as BBC Olympic commentators who use 'medal' as a verb. The film's narrative stumbles down various avenues which lead to nowhere and I found myself slumping in my seat, willing the torturous meandering from bad joke to no joke to end. This dull carousel of non-existent humour was tempered by the few gags which appeared in the trailer: suffice to say that if you've seen the trailer for Ted, you've seen the best bits.

Ted is supremely unfunny and has the potential to offend pretty much anyone who sets foot in their local multiplex. Fine if this humour has some basis in true wit or satire but the indolent writing and generally misjudged nature of MacFarlane's sense of humour reinforces the fact that Ted is an awful film. If you do have the misfortune to sit through it, I truly pity you. 

Clapperboard Rating: *