Rock of Ages

I had another cinema first last night. Just before the preview screening of Rock of Ages was about to begin, a member of staff entered the auditorium and informed the audience that the cinema had been sent a 3D print of the film and that they didn't have the technology to play 3D films. They could, however, still project the film but it would have subtitles and a heavy green tint to it. Fine, I thought, I'd stay just to see how bad the green was and if it was still watchable. It turned out that I needn't have worried about the odd colour: the film itself was the issue.

My expectations for Rock of Ages, based on the Broadway musical of the same name, were virtually non-existent – I had seen a trailer but that was about it. The film, also a musical, uses classic 1980s rock anthems in a story which sees small-town girl Sherrie (Julianne Hough) move to Hollywood in 1987 to try and make it big as a singer. She meets fellow aspiring rocker Drew (Diego Boneta) at the famous Bourbon Club which is under the threat of closure from the bible bashing wife (Catherine Zeta-Jones) of the Mayor of the city. Only the legendary rock god Stacee Jaxx (Tom Cruise) can save the club and its finances by playing there for one night only. Let's start by saying the film is total rubbish, from beginning to end and is so confused that it will have you laughing out loud at just how bad it is. The film's characters are so unconvincing and so flat that I sat there watching 'people' on screen, prancing around and singing, rather than watching 'characters' in a believable world. Now, I understand that a musical, by definition, is not the most realistic of genres and mocking characters suddenly breaking into song in Sainsbury's is kind of missing the point, but still – there's a line.

As for the plot, let's just say that the Gunpowder Plot was more successful. There was no sense of a clear narrative line through the film, stories were muddled and for a lot of the time, I had a look of total bewilderment on my face. A cameo appearance from Mary J. Blige left me asking “Why?!” as she belted out a rendition of 'Any Way You Want It' and a rather strange sequence in which Cruise and Malin Akerman tore each other's clothes off whilst singing 'I Want To Know What Love Is' was so hysterically funny that it had me in tears until I got over the shock and was left thinking eh?...what?...eh?...what on earth just happened? Things didn't get much better with Russell Brand's Brummie accent and an incident involving his character and the Bourbon Club's owner was just bewildering. I was thinking, 'no they're surely not going to go there...oh wait, no, they just have'. I tried to see all this action as a great parody, sending itself up in a biting, self-conscious way. But no, the film's director Adam Shankman appeared to be playing it straight down the line.

Whilst a primary school nativity play probably produces more credible acting, I have to say that Tom Cruise's energy as Stacee Jaxx can't be knocked and he definitely threw himself into the role. I was rather surprised to discover that he performed most of the songs himself as his voice sounded rather good, as did Catherine Zeta-Jones. His character produced one or two vague laughs from the audience and the film's funniest gag was when the two down-on-their-luck lovers compare how far they've fallen: “I'm really a stripper” – “I'm in a boy band” – “Okay, you win”. On the whole, however, the film's dialogue was hugely predictable and tedious and I found myself in a Catch 22 situation: after two minutes of dialogue, I was wishing for the cast to break back into song to dull my pain but when they did so, I instantly wished them to shut up. Any good musical has a strong interplay between the songs and the plot, with each complementing the other. In Rock of Ages, however, the songs had more relevance to international nuclear politics than the love story between Sherrie and Drew.

Rock of Ages is a total mess of a film and, even if you're the most die-hard 1980s rock fan, there's little here for you. Having not seen the stage show, I can't compare the two but I'm sure seeing it on Broadway is infinitely better than enduring over two hours of annoying characters, inexplicable plot development and confused direction which left me, quite frankly, baffled. This film can quite assuredly claim that it has made rock uncool and at one point, Russell Brand's character pleads with a bored Bourbon Club audience to “try and resurrect your enthusiasm”. I'm sorry Russell, but my enthusiasm died during the opening titles. 

Clapperboard Rating: * 

Rock of Ages is released nationwide on 13th June