Worst Five Films 2012

I don't want to sound nasty and vindictive in compiling this list but the films which follow are, from my reviewed films, the worst of 2012. If I sat you down and made you watch them back-to-back (don't worry, I'm not that heartless), you'd need to lie down in a dark room and listen to The Very Best of Enya album in order to calm down and prevent yourself from punching someone very hard in the face. If you've had the good fortune to have missed these films, please read this as a public health warning. Don't waste valuable hours of your life watching these putrid, vomitous, rotten, corrupted, vile, cynical and – above all – boring films.

5. 
   Wrath of the Titans

All show and no tunics, Wrath of the Titans proved that it was possible to so catastrophically misjudge the balance between story and action that I left the cinema delusionally thinking that Michael Bay's narrative cinema wasn't actually that bad. Starring Sam Worthington (Avatar, Man on a Ledge) as Perseus, the demi-god and son of Zeus, the film leaps from one set piece to another and totally bypasses any semblance of a plot. The action it favoured was flat, unenergised and even exploding mountains couldn't stop me wishing I'd stayed at home and alphabetised my Mum's cookbook collection. The relentless, tedious action seemed to be an attempt by director Jonathan Liebesman to try and hide the lack of a plot from the audience. Sorry Jon, it didn't work.

4. 
   Wanderlust

Annoying, painful and grating are all words which could be used to describe a migraine. They are, also, perfectly suited to discussing Wanderlust, a 'comedy' staring Paul Rudd and Jennifer Aniston. The pair play George and Linda, a couple who, after losing their house in New York, decide to try an alternative way of life in a rural commune to find themselves and discover the important things in life. I was aware of the number of times I laughed: zero. Not even a smile. With annoying characters, painful jokes and a rather prejudiced look at the world of hippies, Wanderlust is intrinsically dull and has the comedic wit of a chewing gum packet. However, it's not all bad: I had my review of this film read out on BBC Five Live. Every cloud...

3. 
   Ted

Obviously I'm out-of-touch with the youth of today. Many found Ted, Seth McFarlane's comedy about a pot smoking teddy bear to be the funniest film of the year. I didn't. The number of times I smiled could be counted on Homer Simpson's left hand and the number of times I laughed on a snake's. To get away with jokes about 9/11, the humour should have been astronomically funny. It wasn't. The characters should have been perceptive and funny manifestations of the concerns of moving from childhood to adulthood. They weren't. The CGI bear was well done but it should have been less crude and, fundamentally, more comedic. It wasn't. All in all, I'd rather eat a bowl of desiccated toe nails than sit through Ted again. Honestly.

2. 
   Rock of Ages

Just missing out on the top (or should that be bottom?) spot, is a musical which boasts the star names of Tom Cruise, Catherine Zeta Jones and Russell Brand. With some big 1980s rock anthems such as 'Any Way You Want It' and 'Don't Stop Believin'', Rock of Ages simply exists as a royalties generator. The characters were totally unbelievable, the dialogue and plot dire and the songs...well, X Factor's Rylan could have put more soul into them. Cruise's rather bemusing performance as the out-of-control rocker Stacee Jaxx pales into insignificance when Brand pipes up with his awful (and rather bemusing) Cockney accent. Cringe-worthy, this film is most definitely. Entertaining, it most definitely isn't. 

1. 
   Piranha 3DD

For all our sakes, I'll keep this brief. Some have called Hugo and Life of Pi examples of how 3D can be used to great effect. Piranha 3DD is the example of how it shouldn't. More misogynistic than gangsta rap, more hideous than Donald Trump's hair and supremely boring, the film is offensively made and appeals to the lowest common denominator on every occasion. Slow-motion shots of women running around with nothing on and piranha fish coming out of a woman and biting a man's penis off (yes, you read that correctly) were, quite possibly, the best bits of a film which is so unintelligent that it makes The Only Way is Essex look like an orange version of University Challenge. All prints of this film should be shut away in a lead-lined box and thrown to the bottom of the Pacific. That's all I'm saying on the matter.

On that note, Happy New Year to all my readers! Your support is really appreciated.

Top Five Films 2012

Yes, it's that time of year when I attempt to sum up the year's filmic offerings and compose my 'Top Five of 2012' list. Now, before we begin, I have to point out that whilst I have seen a nice cross-section of this year's films, I'm not super-human and haven't been able to catch everything. You will, no doubt, shout 'how could he have left that out?!' and there are some highly-recommended films which I haven't seen. Life of Pi has been very well-received, as has Planet of Snail which was hailed by many as a moving documentary about friendship and love. Equally, Michael Haneke's Amour has been much lauded, as has the thriller Argo which, for many, is their favourite film of 2012. It's been very difficult to narrow down the films to a top five. The fact that I've excluded the likes of The Pirates! In An Adventure With Scientists, Jeff, Who Lives at Home, Avengers Assemble and Silver Linings Playbook shows just how good 2012 has been for film. Over the past year, I've seen and reviewed forty-four films. And these, in my opinion, are the best of the bunch...

5. 
   The Hunger Games

Based on the best-selling book, The Hunger Games could quite easily have been a superficial action flick for teenagers which could have quickly disappeared to a DVD stand in a pound shop. In reality, The Hunger Games was discussed in the same sentence as Harry Potter and Twilight. The dis-utopian future portrayed in the film, where each year, twelve teenagers are selected to fight one another to the death in the annual Hunger Games contest, was rather unsettling and the action was enthralling, the violence visceral and shocking. A stunning central performance from Jennifer Lawrence as the head-strong and ferociously-driven Katniss Everdeen was a refreshing addition to young female protagonists seen in recent years. The second book, Catching Fire, is due to be released as a film next year and if it is anything like The Hunger Games, it will be hugely – and deservedly – successful.

4. 
   The Descendants

With a strong cast led by George Clooney, The Descendants is a strange film. It follows Hawaiian land baron Matt King (Clooney) as he struggles to come to terms with a jet ski accident which has left his wife in a coma and his relationships with his two children in turmoil. Watch it once and you'll find it moving, funny, engaging and you will want to book a flight to Hawaii straight away. But wait a few days and something very odd will happen. Rather like a Polaroid photo, the film develops on an emotional level long after the credits have rolled. Indeed, it was only a week or so after I'd seen the film that I looked back and thought 'you know what, I was much more affected by that film than I first believed'. Whether it was the powerful performances (especially from Shailene Woodley as Clooney's teenage daughter) or the thought-provoking narrative, I don't know. What I do know, however, is that it is one of my favourite films of 2012. 

 

3. Skyfall

In my mind, no list of the best films of 2012 will be complete without an appearance from Bond 23. Not because it's James Bond and not because it's taken nearly $1 billion worldwide. Skyfall succeeds thanks to Daniel Craig's troubled and lethal Bond, some fantastic action sequences, a brilliant villain and, importantly, a return to old-style Bond. By this, I don't mean a return to the invisible cars of Brosnan or rather suspect treatment of women, but a return to the essence of Bond: stylish, gritty and supremely entertaining. Paradoxically both traditional and updated for the 21^st Century, Skyfall is as British as it gets and after the patriotic year we've had, that's no bad thing.

2. 
   The Dark Knight Rises

Hailed by many as an auteur director, Christopher Nolan brought his Batman trilogy to an epic conclusion with The Dark Night Rises. Beautifully-shot and with a real sense of dramatic gravitas, Nolan's film is masterful in its approach to reinventing the superhero genre (you need only look to the new Superman film to see its impact) and offers much on repeat viewings. Despite a few very minor plot issues which weren't satisfactorily addressed, there's plenty to keep mouths wide open in amazement. Hans Zimmer's score and a stellar cast only heightened the unrelenting thrills of a film which requires no interest in comics to enjoy. This is high-stake, intelligent, pulsating action cinema at its very best.

1. 
   Rust and Bone

Here it is. The best film of 2012. Rust and Bone is a French film and, as such, you won't have seen it. In fact, I would bet a lot of money (well, £5) that you haven't seen it. You're missing out. Starring Marion Cotillard and Matthias Schoenaerts, the film sees Stephanie (Cotillard), an orca whale trainer who, after an horrific accident, develops a strange and deep relationship with Ali (Schoenaerts), a nightclub bouncer who wants to make it big in the world of boxing and kick-boxing. You could throw a bucket load of superlative adjectives at Rust and Bone and the vast majority of them would stick to a film which, whilst not perfect, features such gut-wrenchingly powerful performances that its emotional impact has been unrivalled this year. Painfully consuming and dramatic in every sense of the word, Rust and Bone restores my faith in cinema which, as we shall see with my Worst Five Film list, has been seriously shaken throughout the past year. See it. Now.

The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey

In October, I was lucky enough to see Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring in concert in Paris. A full orchestra and choir sat in front of a cinema screen and played the film's soundtrack live. It was one of the most amazing cinematic experiences I've had and was a fantastic prelude to the release of The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey. Having read Tolkien's original novel (and unsuccessfully attempting the sequel, The Lord of the Rings) when I was eleven, I was keen to find out how much I would remember of the book and how it would translate to screen. As it turns out, my memory is very patchy and my star rating for this film has been the most difficult to decide upon this year.

If there's one thing to say about The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey it is this: it's far too long. At 169 minutes, and the first of three films, An Unexpected Journey only makes it to Chapter Six in the novel. In terms of narrative, the first forty minutes do feel very slow and full of lethargic exposition. In all fairness, a certain amount of exposition was necessary: Tolkien's fantasy world demands careful attention to detail and as an audience, we were being introduced to many new characters. It's just the time it took for Bilbo (Martin Freeman) to run out of his green front door in search of an adventure that was rather over-stretched. Once things got going, however, and the epic helicopter shots of the New Zealand landscape started, the film stepped up a metaphorical notch. As in The Lord of the Rings, director Peter Jackson has created some vivid characters (this time, more dwarves than you could shake a sword at) and has retained the spectacular fantasy which characterised his earlier trilogy. Martin Freeman is perfectly cast as Bilbo, and plays the part with a charming and disarmingly comic edge. A strong supporting cast, led by Ian McKellen as Gandalf and featuring Richard Armitage and James Nesbitt as dwarves of every shape and size were entertaining to watch. Some familiar faces from Jackson's last outing to Middle Earth gave a nice continuity to the film (yes, Gollum's back!). 

Speaking of continuity, some of the best moments in the film were when Howard Shore's accomplished score revisited themes and musical motifs from The Lord of the Rings. Evoking the emotional depth and dark subject matter of The Return of the King, the soundtrack also highlights why The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey doesn't quite work. I kept finding myself comparing the film to The Lord of the Rings which is, from one perspective, doing the film a disservice. Tolkien's original novel is a work of children's literature and, by nature, is much lighter and more humorous than its sequel. Yet the film seemed to be confused about its tone: the action and drama kept shifting and modulating between the serious tone adopted by The Lord of the Rings and the more playful tone of the source. At times, the characterisation and dialogue seemed rather superficial, something which some critics have blamed, in part, on the 48 frames per second which was used to shoot the film. Personally, I felt that the moments in which the film was more closely aligned with The Lord of the Rings were far better and far more cinematic. The decision to shoot another trilogy is, in my opinion, a misjudged one: two, two hour films would have been much more successful. But hey, I haven't seen the other two instalments, so who am I to judge?

An Unexpected Journey certainly has some stunning visual effects and Jackson's love and intense interest in the construction of Middle Earth is plain to see. Its fundamental flaw, however, is its length. There are some nice, exciting and powerful moments in the film, but these are eclipsed and become weighed down by excess baggage: you certainly wouldn't want to take the running time on an Easyjet flight. All in all, The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey is really fun, entertaining and a welcome return to Middle Earth, albeit a rather long one. My reservations are founded on comparisons with The Lord of the Rings – something I don't apologise for. But don't listen to those who say it's unwatchable and disappointing. They just don't have a strong enough bladder. 

Clapperboard Rating: * * * (and a half!) 

Silver Linings Playbook

With perhaps the most confusing film title since the dinosaur-free Tyrannosaur, Silver Linings Playbook is a romantic comedy/drama which could quite easily be the perfect date movie. For starters, it stars Bradley Cooper and Jennifer Lawrence who provide more than enough eye candy to satisfy both parties, should the date not be going to plan. Adapted from a novel of the same name and directed by David O. Russell, Silver Linings Playbook is quite often surprising, frequently heart-felt and always superbly acted. Take a girl to see this film and she'll be very impressed with your taste in movies...

David O. Russell is a film-maker renowned for his bizarre shifts in tone from film-to-film and his latest release is no different. Somewhat of a departure from The Fighter, O. Russell's previous film, Silver Linings Playbook mixes Pat (Cooper), a former school teacher who has spent the last eight months in a psychiatric hospital suffering from bipolar disorder, with Tiffany (played by Lawrence) whose mental health has also been seriously compromised by the death of her policeman husband. When Pat is discharged from hospital, he moves back in with his parents who are determined to help him get his life back on track. His friendship with Tiffany develops and it soon becomes clear that the two exert a positive force on one another.

Central to this film's success are the performances. Jennifer Lawrence has already proved herself to be the upcoming talent during her stellar performance in The Hunger Games and really shines opposite Bradley Cooper who may just have done enough to atone for his sins in The Hangover Part II. Cooper sensitively, but boldly, portrays a character whose mood swings and frustrated musing about the ending of A Farewell to Arms confound his parents, who themselves are part of the problem. The dialogue – especially the encounters between Pat and his father (Robert De Niro in a back-to-form role) – was dynamically-written and gave a real sense of the volatile familial situations which always threatened to descend into a shouting match, should a wrong word be said.

O. Russell must be applauded for never falling into the trap of caricaturing the issue of mental illness. This is not to say that there aren't any funny moments; indeed, there are plenty of laughs to be had. But the strength of the script lies in its treatment of mental illness and the emotive, and sometimes distressing, feelings which go with it. The characters were multi-faceted and felt like real people – perhaps the highest compliment which can be paid to the actors. Although well-paced for the most part, the final quarter of the film did feel slightly less fluid and rather rushed but that is not to detract from what is, otherwise, a very enjoyable film.

Some have cynically suggested that Silver Linings Playbook is a mere vehicle for Oscar nominations but I feel that this does the film a great disservice. Fantastic performances, a sensitive script and assured direction all make for a film which will get better with repeat viewings. Girlfriend/boyfriend optional. 

Clapperboard Rating: * * * *