I don't want to sound
nasty and vindictive in compiling this list but the films which
follow are, from my reviewed films, the worst of 2012. If I sat you
down and made you watch them back-to-back (don't worry, I'm not that
heartless), you'd need to lie down in a dark room and listen to The
Very Best of Enya album in order to calm down and prevent yourself
from punching someone very hard in the face. If you've had the good
fortune to have missed these films, please read this as a public
health warning. Don't waste valuable hours of your life watching
these putrid, vomitous, rotten, corrupted, vile, cynical and –
above all – boring films.
Wrath of the Titans
All
show and no tunics, Wrath of the Titans proved
that it was possible to so catastrophically misjudge the balance
between story and action that I left the cinema delusionally thinking
that Michael Bay's narrative cinema wasn't actually that bad.
Starring Sam Worthington
(Avatar, Man
on a Ledge) as Perseus, the
demi-god and son of Zeus, the film leaps from one set piece to
another and totally bypasses any semblance of a plot. The action it
favoured was flat, unenergised and even exploding mountains couldn't
stop me wishing I'd stayed at home and alphabetised my Mum's cookbook
collection. The relentless, tedious action seemed to be an attempt by
director Jonathan Liebesman to try and hide the lack of a plot from
the audience. Sorry Jon, it didn't work.
Wanderlust
Annoying,
painful and grating are all words which could be used to describe a
migraine. They are, also, perfectly suited to discussing Wanderlust,
a 'comedy' staring Paul Rudd
and Jennifer Aniston. The pair play George and Linda, a couple who,
after losing their house in New York, decide to try an alternative
way of life in a rural commune to find themselves and discover the
important things in life. I was aware of the number of times I
laughed: zero. Not even a smile. With annoying characters, painful
jokes and a rather prejudiced look at the world of hippies,
Wanderlust is intrinsically
dull and has the comedic wit of a chewing gum packet. However, it's
not all bad: I had my review of this film read out on BBC Five Live.
Every cloud...
Ted
Obviously
I'm out-of-touch with the youth of today. Many found Ted,
Seth McFarlane's comedy about a pot smoking teddy bear to be the
funniest film of the year. I didn't. The number of times I smiled
could be counted on Homer Simpson's left hand and the number of times
I laughed on a snake's. To get away with jokes about 9/11, the humour
should have been astronomically funny. It wasn't. The characters
should have been perceptive and funny manifestations of the concerns
of moving from childhood to adulthood. They weren't. The CGI bear was
well done but it should have been less crude and, fundamentally, more
comedic. It wasn't. All in all, I'd rather eat a bowl of desiccated
toe nails than sit through Ted again.
Honestly.
Rock of Ages
Just
missing out on the top (or should that be bottom?) spot, is a musical
which boasts the star names of Tom Cruise, Catherine Zeta Jones and
Russell Brand. With some big 1980s rock anthems such as 'Any Way You
Want It' and 'Don't Stop Believin'', Rock of Ages simply
exists as a royalties generator. The characters were totally
unbelievable, the dialogue and plot dire and the songs...well, X
Factor's Rylan could have put more soul into them. Cruise's rather
bemusing performance as the out-of-control rocker Stacee Jaxx pales
into insignificance when Brand pipes up with his awful (and rather
bemusing) Cockney accent. Cringe-worthy, this film is most
definitely. Entertaining, it most definitely isn't.
Piranha 3DD
For
all our sakes, I'll keep this brief. Some have called Hugo and
Life of Pi examples of how 3D can be used to great effect.
Piranha 3DD is the example of how it shouldn't. More
misogynistic than gangsta rap, more hideous than Donald Trump's
hair and supremely boring, the film is offensively made and
appeals to the lowest common denominator on every occasion.
Slow-motion shots of women running around with nothing on and piranha
fish coming out of a woman and biting a man's penis off (yes, you
read that correctly) were, quite possibly, the best bits of a film
which is so unintelligent that it makes The Only Way is Essex
look like an orange version of University Challenge. All
prints of this film should be shut away in a lead-lined box and
thrown to the bottom of the Pacific. That's all I'm saying on the
matter.
On
that note, Happy New Year to all my readers! Your support is really
appreciated.
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