Snow White and the Huntsman

Fairytale adaptations are, it seems, like buses. You wait for an age for one and then two come along at once. At the start of April, a comedic take on the story of Snow White hit screens with Mirror Mirror, starring Julia Roberts and Lily Collins and now an altogether darker version has been released in the form of Snow White and the Huntsman. Kristen Stewart takes on the role as Snow White and Twihards (as the fans of Twilight are known) will no doubt flock to see the film. But the question is this: should anyone else bother?

Snow White and the Huntsman follows the well-known Grimm tale of the beautiful girl who must fight against the evil Queen who wishes her dead so she may instead be proclaimed the fairest of them all. In a twist to the fairytale, the Queen sends the Huntsman (Chris Hemsworth) in search of the girl but he soon becomes her protector and friend in the fight against evil. Visually, the film is rather stunning and has a distinctively-rich production design. Marketed as a young adult adventure (with a 12A certificate), the film is quite dark and rather solemn and, in my view, all the better for it. The aesthetic depth was crafted at just the right level and some impressive effects helped to create a magical and gritty medieval world. The battle sequences were well-constructed and were engaging and exciting in equal measure and complemented the overall tone of the film.

Charlize Theron's performance as the evil Queen Ravenna is very assured and highly convincing as she paces up and down, shouting at everyone in the manner of a deranged supply teacher (although ten times as scary). I was rather surprised at just how far the horror elements in the film went (given its certificate) and Ravenna's transformation from beautiful Queen to old woman and back again was quite startling. With about as many facial expressions as a murder victim with an extreme case of rigor mortis, Kristen Stewart may seem an odd choice to play Snow White but actually, she does so rather well. Once I got over her accent which seemed to have been learnt from the Keira Knightley School of Vocal Coaching, she became quite likeable as the defeater of evil and even slipped into a Joan of Arc role at the end of the film, storming a castle to defeat Ravenna. Her chemistry with Hemsworth wouldn't have passed a GCSE science exam but little did that matter; the film is a fairytale with an edge, and is not meant to be a hugely-believable story of love and friendship.

What prevented this film, however, from being a really exciting re-invention of the Snow White story is the script. The dialogue felt rather stilted and flat and I couldn't help but sit there and see it as a missed opportunity. Played by some acting giants (excuse the pun) such as Bob Hoskins, Toby Jones, Eddie Marsan, Ray Winston and Nick Frost, the potential for humour with the seven dwarves was huge but was disappointingly missed. The result was a script which took away from the visual spectacle and left me with the feeling that the film had somewhat missed the target. It's a shame because most of the other elements were done well.

Aside from these script issues, the balance between action and exposition was competently struck by director Rupert Sanders and, if a bit too long at 127 minutes, the film maintained a momentum throughout. Snow White and the Huntsman is perfectly fine for what it is: a visually-commanding and interesting take on a fairytale. It's not fantastic by any stretch of the imagination and it is held back by a weak screenplay. It still manages, however, to remain perfectly agreeable popcorn entertainment. And remember kids, don't eat that apple...

Clapperboard Rating: * * *

The Dictator

This week's film was selected to be reviewed because of two reasons. Firstly, Friday came along and I suddenly realised that I hadn't written a review this week and that many people would be angry (or, indeed, thankful) that I hadn't done so. And secondly, because a friend of mine wanted to hear my verdict on a film which he saw and was “the only person laughing loads in the cinema”. Had it not been for these two reasons, I would have skipped my weekly trip to the cinema and instead enjoyed the week of good weather (better known as the British Summer). But was I glad to have gone?

In the same vein as Borat and Bruno, Baron Cohen has created a larger-than-life character in the form of Admiral General Aladeen, a dictator who 'lovingly oppresses' the people of the fictional country of Wadiya. On a trip to New York to address the UN, Aladeen is replaced by an imposter and finds himself working in a feminist eco food shop whilst plotting to regain power and prevent democracy from reaching the people of Wadiya. We can begin by saying that The Dictator is largely-unfunny and I could tell you the number of times I laughed (always a bad sign): four. To be fair, touches such as Aladeen's all-female 'Virgin Bodyguards' did hint at the sharp mind of Baron Cohen which first came to the fore in Borat and references to past dictators and current politicians did raise a smile. Whilst there were one or two clever gags and interesting ideas, too often did the humour fall back on the lowest common denominator as if Baron Cohen and his fellow script writers believed that this was a solid foundation for further humour. In reality, the effect was that of a film which seemed to have drive, but ran out of steam and went for gags about feminism which were – dare I say it – rather out-dated and boring.

The Dictator has the potential to be hugely offensive – perhaps highlighted by a scene in which Aladeen plays a Wii computer game, the aim of which is to burst into the Israeli Olympic team's changing rooms and gun-down athletes – and, save for a speech at the end of the film, there was far less satirical bite than I wanted. This lack of laughs made the whole film seem rather tiresome and superficial; fine, the material may have worked during a 10pm slot on Channel 4 but in a cinematic context, it didn't quite work. It was rather like reading War and Peace from the back of a cornflake packet: the two didn't go together.

Cohen is naturally a physical performer and can certainly carry-off a multitude of different characters (his recent supporting role in Hugo is a notable example) but even this couldn't detract from a script riddled with humour which was either recycled or in far too bad taste to be remotely amusing. I realise that I will probably be in the minority but there we go - I don't have a sense of humour.

The Dictator is a largely-unfunny, flat and somewhat disappointing film that seems to favour crude humour over any real sense of satire or comic depth. Whilst Cohen is engaging enough in the part as the odd dictator, the film is overwhelming forgettable and ends up drowning in a sea of vulgarity. Perfect, then, for my friend. 

Clapperboard Review: * * 

Piranha 3DD

This review was nearly never written. Not because my laptop imploded or because I was attacked by mentally-deranged monkeys on my way home from the cinema. No, I nearly skipped writing a review of Piranha 3DD because it's hardly worth the effort. In fact, this film doesn't deserve to be discussed because, quite frankly, it's one of the worst films I have ever seen (I wouldn't say that lightly) and I'm slightly hesitant to waste anymore energy on it by typing this. However, I feel I have a duty: to warn you and perhaps beg you, to not see this film.

Any film which has the tag line “Double the action. Double the terror. Double the D's” was never going to win me over and, after seeing the trailer in which David Hasselhoff exclaims he's not a real lifeguard and bikini-clad women run around being bitten by demonic fish, I was rather dreading my trip to my local multiplex to see John Gulager's sequel to Piranha 3D. Piranha 3DD (see what they did there!) follows a similar plot to that of its predecessor – i.e. fantastically-aggressive fish terrorising all who dare to enter the water but this time, it's set in a water park. Simple set-up, simple plot. The first thing to be said about this monstrosity of a film is that the story is so weak and so all over the place, that the term 'plot' seems to be totally unsuitable. Character development was non-existent, the story was about as uneven as a Lego mattress and events seem to be purely geared towards splattering as much blood and guts at the audience as possible. But then again, what was I expecting?! There was, of course, no need for the film to be in 3D (apart from allowing the writers a cheap joke in the title) and did nothing to lift the one-dimensional characters and wooden acting.

Away from the technical aspects, the level of gore and fishy violence was rather stomach-turning, culminating in a child's head being bitten off by a piranha (hilarious, I know). Everything about this film was offensive and crass: women swimming around with no clothes on would be the least of a feminist's worries. An appearance by David Hasselhoff was laughable and rather desperate and made the whole proceedings seem like a bad dream. Marketed as a horror-comedy, I can assure you I was neither scared, nor amused and I'm sure there are college courses in public convenience cleaning which are more entertaining than the 83 minutes of boring drivel which I had to endure.

Poor production values (the continuity person should have been fed to the piranhas) and a philosophy that if enough slow motion shots of amply-bosomed women were used, the film would be improved, all led to my leaving the cinema in a state of shock. How could a film be that bad? How could anyone justify the amount of electricity used to project the film? How could I have paid £7.80 for the most awful hour and a half I have ever spent in a darkened room? The fact that a legless man blasting piranhas out of the water with a shotgun strapped to his prosthetic leg isn't the worst part of the film, speaks volumes. The romantic interest in the film could hardly have been called that and was so unintelligible that I was surprised to find that three people had wasted a large part of their lives writing the screenplay. Indeed, at times I wanted to fling myself into the killer-infested water to end it all.

All the prints of Piranha 3DD deserve to be locked in a box and buried in some Brazilian jungle where they will never be found again. Such a bad film should have made me feel angry when the credits rolled but, to be honest, I was just glad it was over. Offensive and unfunny, Piranha 3DD deserves to sink at the box office as a prime example of how not to make a film. Give me Transformers any day. 

Clapperboard Rating: *  

Dark Shadows

In many ways, Dark Shadows is similar to an Easter egg which, once the surface is cracked, you're invariably confronted by a gaping void of air (actually, I'm not even sure you can buy a fully-solid Easter egg!). Tim Burton's latest project is the filmic equivalent of this chocolate nothingness, albeit with a slightly bloodier taste.

Dark Shadows is the eighth collaboration between Burton and Johnny Depp and this time, Mr Wonka has been replaced with an altogether more supernatural being. Based on a 1960s television gothic soap opera, Dark Shadows sees Depp play Barnabas Collins, a 200 year-old vampire who, having broken the heart of a witch and been cursed by her to eternal damnation, is released from his coffin in 1972 America. On hearing of his family's difficult financial circumstances, Barnabas vows to avenge his family and restore their good name in the town which they built. And here we have the first problem: the plot. A film which places a vampire at the centre of a dispute about a family fish canning business was either going to need to be hugely funny or...well, hugely funny. And I'm afraid that it just didn't work. Add to this several characters whose function in the narrative was less-than-clear and the resulting two hours was predictable and somewhat painful.

This is not to say that the film was unenjoyable but the comedic elements in the film were, for the most part, very disappointing and barely raised the faintest of fanged smiles. Even the strong cast, starring Eva Green as the evil witch Angelique, Michelle Pfieffer, Helena Bonham Carter and Chloë Moretz could do little with a script which was as about as funny as open-heart surgery with a fish knife. Depp's enigmatic performance as the wronged vampire was amusing to watch but after the fiftieth joke about the Devil and “birthing hips”, even he began to get rather dull. An episodic narrative which was confused and seemed to forget many of the plot strands did little to help the situation. The film looks, of course, crazily-weird and has a distinctive aesthetic which only Burton could achieve. The psychedelic vibes of the 1970s are crashed head-on with the Gothic interiors of Barnabas' mansion and the costumes certainly added to the overall effect. From a directorial perspective, Burton has certainly toned-down the levels of crazy which can be found in some of his other films and whilst this may attract a larger audience, it has left the film (in the absence of any real humour) rather flat.

Eva Green's vamped-up witch performance, along with Depp's, was entertaining to watch and the special effects on her skin (if you see the film, you'll know what I mean) were very impressive. But this highlights one of the film's major problems. From the opening shots of Liverpool in the 1760s and the prologue of Barnabas' demise, the film's tone is laced with black humour and slightly surreal action – again, the hallmark of Burton. But by the film's climax, the tone has shifted to something altogether more dark and horror-like. This shift is rather mismanaged and the resulting effect is a film which doesn't quite know where it's pitched: it doesn't fully realise its comedic ambitions and, in many ways, gets too dark for its own good. Whilst these issues don't create a bad film, they certainly don't distinguish it from any other offering in the genre.

So, Dark Shadows is by no means Burton's weakest work, but nor is it exciting enough to raise the dead. Once the superficial exterior is cracked, the script's lack of humour leaves a cavernous void which is a shame, given Depp's potential. There are some competent performances, interesting visuals and a few enjoyable gags but apart from that, there's little real substance in which to sink your teeth. 

Clapperboard Rating: * * 

Marvel Avengers Assemble

The total sum of my knowledge about superheroes could be written on the back of a stamp, leaving more than enough room for the history essay I should be writing instead of this review. In fact, I probably know more about the intricacies of the Vatican Postal Service than I do about the powers of Hawkeye or Iron Man. Nevertheless, I sauntered along to my local multiplex in search of two hours of 'check-your-brain-in-at-the-door' sci-fi action twaddle. Marvel Avengers Assemble definitely gave me that. When Loki (Tom Hiddleston) summons a vast alien army to attack the Earth, the director of S. H. I. E. L. D. Nick Fury (Samuel L. Jackson) brings together a group of superheroes in a last-ditch attempt to save the world. Many a film has had a similar set up, but few are like Marvel Avengers Assemble...

Films such as this are never, ever about the plot. Anyone who tries to convince you otherwise has been watching too much Inception and is, quite frankly, trying too hard. A film such as The Avengers (as we shall now call it) is all about the action, all about the fights and not about much else. This is, in many ways, the downfall of many action blockbusters. Transformers in all of its hideous incarnations, is the prime example of this. Thanks to Michael Bay's plot structure and abysmal narrative construction, the action overwhelms the complicated story and leads the audience to a) not care about the characters and b) give up trying to understand what the hell is going on. The Avengers, however, has bucked this trend and has constructed a narrative which is neither overly-complex nor non-existent. The action sequences in the film (and there are many) are really engaging to watch and are strong enough to stand alone from the plot: it doesn't really matter if the audience don't have a clue what's happening, the resulting effect is hugely enjoyable.

These action sequences are superbly constructed and the CGI effects really are first-class. I saw the film in 3D but, as usual, it didn't add anything to the effects and I could have done without the gimmick (especially during the dark opening sequence). The battle sequences will delight both hard-core comic book fans and (like me) the casual viewer who doesn't know his Captain America from his Director Fury. Everything about this film is big: the stars, the explosions, the fights, the locations, the CGI, Chris Hemsworth's biceps. To say that The Avengers is gargantuan in its production would be a great understatement. Its big-name actors (Robert Downey Jr., Scarlett Johansson, Jeremy Renner, Gwyneth Paltrow, Chris Evans, to name a few) all perform well together and it was nice to see the screenwriters not shy away from creating a bit of tension between their characters. Hiddleston as the super-villain Loki was very impressive, especially with his manically evil smile and Johansson put in a convincing tough-girl performance. There were a few issues with the screen time given to each individual superhero but these were somewhat unavoidable and, for the most part, the characters were engaging and well-developed. The script never forgot the humanity of the characters which made their exploits all the more thrilling and Downey Jr.'s arrogant Iron Man provided much of the humour which fitted well with the overall tone of the film. Director Joss Whedon clearly has a love for Marvel's characters and this creates a film which has obviously been thought about and crafted.

Whilst I sat through some of the film's earlier scenes with a perplexed expression on my face as scientists discussed the effects of gamma radiation on the Tesseract (as you do), I soon settled into the plot and could just about follow what was happening – always a plus when it comes to this genre of film. Although Mark Ruffalo's Hulk went through about six t-shirts during his various tantrums, to sit back and watch a big green giant smashing everything in sight to smithereens was perfect 'popcorn' material (Ruffalo has been signed up to portray the Hulk in six more films, so the effect may wear off after a while). Marvel Avengers Assemble is an entertaining romp through comic book royalty and is massive in its visuals and ambitions. A solid cast, some stunning visual effects and an effective balance between plot and spectacle all lead to a thoroughly mad, but equally fun film. However, I still may need my superhero revision book... 

Clapperboard Rating: * * * *