I am now the proud owner of a pair of 3D glasses, which cost me the princely sum of 80p. I would have much preferred to spend the money on getting my teeth pulled with a piece of string and a heavy door. It was not through choice that I saw Final Destination 5 in 'glorious' (cough, cough) 3D but I was left with very little option as I had missed the once-a-day 2D screening (remember the good old days when all films were in 2D? I do.) Anyway, I can now join the hoards of university students who use the glasses when dressing up as 'nerds' for fancy dress. A much better use for them if you ask me. As to be expected, the 3D did nothing for Final Destination 5 but, to be honest, little could have saved this diabolically bad film.
The problems started from the very beginning when the title sequence started. Credits appeared on screen with various objects being thrown 'at' the screen, smashing it into little pieces of glass which appeared to fly out into the audience. A classic example of 'oh yeah, it's meant to be 3D, we'd better put something in that rams the fact down the audience's popcorn-filled throats'. Sorry, this is becoming a bit of an anti-3D rant. I shall not mention it again...well, maybe. The Final Destination series has always been the poor-man's Saw, offering teenage audiences blood, gore and cheap scares. The fifth instalment of the franchise has all three of these in great supply, at the expense of any sense of a solid narrative or convincing acting. The so-called 'plot' of the film centres around the efforts of survivors of a suspension-bridge collapse to cheat death as it hunts them down one by one. I would love to say there's more to it than that, but I'm afraid folks, there isn't. The plot shuffles along like a one-legged sailor whose had rather too much to drink and, as a result, has no idea where it's going and this was one of my (several) problems with the film. It never seemed to decide whether it was a straight-forward horror flick, a slightly...okay, very misjudged supernatural thriller or simply a sadists paradise on screen. At the beginning of the film, the main character, Sam (Nicholas D'Agosto) has a vision of an impending disaster but this point is never explained, nor features in the rest of the film which begs the question, did the writer simply think that splattering enough blood at the audience to rival the average give blood session in the local village hall would
make them not notice?
I have a real problem with these sorts of films where violence is so graphic that it goes beyond the point of serving a useful purpose. Sure, I don't mind a bit of gore now and then if it's in context but this was just beyond reason. Why would anyone in their right mind find a laser-eye-surgery-gone-wrong sequence in the least bit entertaining? I know that the point of these films is to be bloody and violent but there are, as with anything, limits. The BBFC's 15 certificate may well raise a few eyebrows, as will the bridge collapse sequence which featured horrendous, vomit-inducing, vile, ghastly, appalling, disturbing...I could go on...abhorrent injuries which would make even the most die-hard slasher fan look down at the floor in horror. But you know what, 'it's okay' because it was all in lovely 3D. Addressing other aspects apart from the gore, and there aren't that many, the acting is really rather bland and did nothing to help me engage with the plight of the characters. The 'twist' near the end of the film (and believe me, a ruler is more twisty) was so pathetic that I won't even bother to carry on with this sentence... In fact, the whole damn film was a waste of £8.50 and two hours of my life. In summary, due to its totally over-the-top level of gore, don't go and see this film if you have a phobia of needles. Don't go and see this film if you have a phobia of eyeballs. Don't go and see this film if you have a phobia of heights. Don't go and see this film if you have a phobia of gymnastic accidents. Actually, you know what, don't go and see this film.
Clapperboard Rating: * (and that's generous!)
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