Transformers: Dark of the Moon

To me, there seem to be three types of action film. Firstly, the action film where everything falls into place nicely: you know who's killing who, why they're doing it, who is on who's team and what the end result will be. Secondly, there is the 'I-sort-of-get-it' action film where a few minutes of mayhem will go by where you don't have a clue what's going on until the explosions stop and some nice, slightly bruised character explains what has happened and what is going to happen next. And finally, there's the full-on, fully-loaded 'what-the-hell-is-going-on' film which makes no attempt to carry any hint of a narrative and hopes that you won't notice by bombarding you with more explosions, gunfire and muscles than in an episode of 'Help! My Army Weapons Store is on Fire”. This is the category in to which Transformers: Dark of the Moon fits.

After the disaster that was Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen, I went to see Transformers 3 expecting more of the same (minus Megan Fox) and, for the most part, that is what I got. The main problem I have with the franchise is that its director, Michael Bay, can not tell a story to save his life and it would seem that he has learnt all he knows about effective narrative construction from the back of a matchbox. The plot starts out in a fairly promising way as we are shown that the real reason for the moon landings was America racing to explore a crashed autobot space craft on the moon. This is as far as I got. Now, before you think that I can't follow even the simplest of stories, I can, and I like to think that I sort of understand Inception, but I can't for the life of me describe the story of the two hours plus that followed the opening sequence. The plot appeared to be held together with cobwebs which were all too frequently blown away (creating random sequences of action, totally unlinked and confusing) by the 'boom, crash, bang' of the latest fight between the Autobots and Decepticons. A one sentence review of this film could easily be Baldrick's war poem from 0:57 in this clip http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ci6Cw8W0Kn0 The final fight sequence was far too long (pushing 25mins) and about half way through I found myself staring blankly at the screen and starting to slip into a coma-like state, as I did with Transformers 2. Not the edge-of-your-seat stuff I'm sure Mr Bay hoped to create.

However, not all was woefully and disappointingly bad. The level of technical brilliance demonstrated in the CGI really was superb and just goes to show what you can do with $195 million... This was my first 3D film and I have to say that the 3D was impressive in the space sequences and the car chase sequence. Despite this, for the vast majority of the film it served no real purpose, except perhaps making things a little more interesting to look at when the plot had died a hideous death. I'm sure I would have enjoyed it no less if I had seen a 2D screening of it.

And now we get on to Optimus Prime's human counterparts. With Megan Fox gone (nothing to do with the fact she compared the director to Hitler, I'm sure), Michael Bay has replaced her with Victoria's Secret model Rosie Huntington-Whiteley and this, in a way, sums up Bay's approach to the trilogy. Her character is of little importance (apart from being Shia LaBeouf's love interest – very believable, I know) and is simply there to be gazed at by the men in the audience. The first we see of her is a tracking shot of her walking up some stairs in nothing but a shirt and a very skimpy pair of knickers and, to be honest, it continues in this way. Don't get me wrong, I don't have a problem with good looking people in films, but what I do have a problem with is the fact that Bay repeatedly makes reference to her sexuality in the most unsubtle ways possible (an audible laugh went round the audience I was in when a character compared her curves to those of a car...) and in doing so, probably alienates every woman in the audience. Huntington-Whiteley is not in control of her sexuality: the fat, drooling middle-aged man on the back row is. In fact, a guy in front of me summed it up rather nicely when he shouted “she is f**king awesome...” He wasn't talking about her acting.

All in all, Transformers: Dark of the Moon is a marginal improvement on the total trash that was Transformers 2 but it still has major problems with its narrative, characters and overall construction which need to be addressed if ever there is a Transformers 4. Getting rid of Michael Bay would be a good place to start. 

Clapper Rating: *