Until two weeks ago, my Worst Five films of 2011 were set in stone. I'd figured out what would make it onto the list and in which order I would rank them, based on their vulgarity, putrescence, offensiveness and sheer awfulness. My mind was made up. Then a film was released which seemed to be trying to make it onto my list: a film – to quote the brilliant critic Mark Kermode – 'even stupid people will hate'. And so, my Worst Five films of 2011 nearly looked very different. But the list which I present to you now is, in my mind, the definitive selection of films to avoid like the plague (to be honest, getting the plague would be a more enjoyable experience than enduring these appalling cinematic offerings). And you know the worst bit? I paid £36.50 to see them.
5) The Hangover Part II
The most depressing thing about The Hangover Part II is the fact that it took a shed load of money ($581,464,305 worldwide, in fact). Not only was this film racist, homophobic, crass and a total repeat of The Hangover, but people paid to see it in their millions, thus incentivising the producers to make another. Following a very similar plot to the previous film, The Hangover Part II sees 'The Wolfpack' go on a wild night out (but in Bangkok – crazy!) the night before one of them is due to be married. What ensues is a film which, to all intents and purposes, recycles old gags which were barely funny the first time round and ramps up the racism (Bangkok is represented as a place of debauchery, full of racial stereotypes and with a more than healthy helping of ladyboys). The film has multiple uses of the 'n' word – somewhat surprising with a cast and a plot which feature no Afro-Caribbean characters – and is crafted (actually, no, that word gives the film too much merit), botched together with as much subtlety and wit as a chain-smoking monkey – oh wait, there's one of those too. Now, I realise that many will disagree with this and argue that the film did what was to be expected of it (i.e. vulgar and unnecessary humour) but this in no way, shape or form means that it is a good film, or even a good comedy. I only came to realise this a few weeks after seeing it. The reason? It was so bad, it needed that long to sink in.
4) Immortals
The only saving grace of this film was its use of CGI which, as I said in my review, was skillfully executed but was still very flat and lacked that spark seen in good visual effects. Immortals, loosely based on Greek mythological characters, featured several notable actors, most dispiritingly John Hurt who seemed to be drowning against a tide of bad acting and dialogue which would have been more at home in a piece of C– GCSE Media Studies coursework. The costumes verged on the ridiculous and the plot made little sense but, to be honest, I didn't really care. Mickey Rourke's evil King Hyperion was, frankly, comedic and had as much of a threatening presence as the Easter Bunny. But the biggest problem with Immortals was how boring it was. The battle sequences engaged me for all of ten seconds before they became the predictable and run-of-the-mill fare so often seen in films of this nature. However, maybe I'm being overly-harsh. Immortals really did fulfil its aim to make the audience feel as though, along with the characters, their very lives were at stake. I was bored to death.
3) Transformers: Dark of the Moon
A film about children's toys hitting each other over the head. With Rosie Huntington-Whiteley as Megan Fox. And a plot which would have made more sense if the audience were given ecstasy instead of popcorn. The trouble with Transformers: Dark of the Moon is its director, Michael Bay, who doesn't, as I've said before, know how to tell a story to save his life. The film is disjointed in the extreme and Bay seems to think that enough shots of robots attacking each other (for over 25 head-numbing minutes in the final fight sequence) will gloss over the fact that the plot could only be rescued if it was thrown in the bin and totally re-written. Huntington-Whiteley's presence is simply eye-candy and the day the acting wins an Oscar will be the day I cut off my fingers and use them as flakes in 99s as, obviously, I won't need them to type my rants any longer because I'm so out-of-touch with film. The action sequences in the film keep coming, with no sense of cause and effect, and which leads to viewing Transformers: Dark of the Moon being much like watching paint dry, but much less enjoyable. A supremely shocking film.
2) Final Destination 5
Final Destination 5 is, perhaps, a film not made for me. Obviously, I'm the only person who doesn't like gratuitous, defunct and repulsive violence which serves no purpose to the plot (because the violence is the plot). This film is all about people's eyes being lasered out and little else. As the previous films did, Final Destination 5 sees a group of people being hunted down by some supernatural power after they cheat death, this time after a bridge collapse. In a film which sees its main characters being killed not once, but twice (because, hey, it gives the film makers double the fun), the totally over-the-top, vomitous and sickening violence has no redeeming features and leads to a thoroughly unpleasant feeling when the credits roll. To say I didn't enjoy this film is an understatement. Oh and the title's stupid too.
1) New Year's Eve
Here we have it. The Number One Worst film of 2011. Having already slated it in my review, I feel slightly reluctant to use any more valuable words on this supremely atrocious piece of film-making. But I will. Sickly, nasty, offensive, vomitous, abominable, atrocious, vile, putrid, and repugnant are all apt descriptions of New Year's Eve. Following the same formula of Valentine's Day (the two films share the same director), the film is both cheesy and cringe-worthy in the extreme and suffers from a chronic misjudgement which is demonstrated in a plot strand which sees two couples fight over a $25,000 prize if their child is the first to be born in the New Year. Never mind the healthy delivery of the baby, just gimme the cash. I maintain that not a single person will like this film, but if you do, you'll need your head examined. Not many films give me a physically sick feeling (apart from, maybe, the film at Number Two in this list) but as I sat watching a cast which seemed to be comprised of a galaxy of stars, I began to feel the need to retch. Fortunately for the woman sat in front of me, I controlled this urge but only just. There is not a single aspect of this film which I liked or even felt mildly warm to. And so, the best of the worst films of 2011 really was left until last. New Year's Eve is a despicable excuse for a film and one I urge you not to see. Unless, of course you've already been subjected to its putrefied 118 minute running time, in which case, you'll 100% agree with me.
And there you have it, my Worst Five films of 2011. Thanks for reading and for your support over the past six months. The blog has gone from strength-to-strength and I really appreciate every single reader. So, thank you. Here's to a great, film-filled 2012.
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