The Dictator

This week's film was selected to be reviewed because of two reasons. Firstly, Friday came along and I suddenly realised that I hadn't written a review this week and that many people would be angry (or, indeed, thankful) that I hadn't done so. And secondly, because a friend of mine wanted to hear my verdict on a film which he saw and was “the only person laughing loads in the cinema”. Had it not been for these two reasons, I would have skipped my weekly trip to the cinema and instead enjoyed the week of good weather (better known as the British Summer). But was I glad to have gone?

In the same vein as Borat and Bruno, Baron Cohen has created a larger-than-life character in the form of Admiral General Aladeen, a dictator who 'lovingly oppresses' the people of the fictional country of Wadiya. On a trip to New York to address the UN, Aladeen is replaced by an imposter and finds himself working in a feminist eco food shop whilst plotting to regain power and prevent democracy from reaching the people of Wadiya. We can begin by saying that The Dictator is largely-unfunny and I could tell you the number of times I laughed (always a bad sign): four. To be fair, touches such as Aladeen's all-female 'Virgin Bodyguards' did hint at the sharp mind of Baron Cohen which first came to the fore in Borat and references to past dictators and current politicians did raise a smile. Whilst there were one or two clever gags and interesting ideas, too often did the humour fall back on the lowest common denominator as if Baron Cohen and his fellow script writers believed that this was a solid foundation for further humour. In reality, the effect was that of a film which seemed to have drive, but ran out of steam and went for gags about feminism which were – dare I say it – rather out-dated and boring.

The Dictator has the potential to be hugely offensive – perhaps highlighted by a scene in which Aladeen plays a Wii computer game, the aim of which is to burst into the Israeli Olympic team's changing rooms and gun-down athletes – and, save for a speech at the end of the film, there was far less satirical bite than I wanted. This lack of laughs made the whole film seem rather tiresome and superficial; fine, the material may have worked during a 10pm slot on Channel 4 but in a cinematic context, it didn't quite work. It was rather like reading War and Peace from the back of a cornflake packet: the two didn't go together.

Cohen is naturally a physical performer and can certainly carry-off a multitude of different characters (his recent supporting role in Hugo is a notable example) but even this couldn't detract from a script riddled with humour which was either recycled or in far too bad taste to be remotely amusing. I realise that I will probably be in the minority but there we go - I don't have a sense of humour.

The Dictator is a largely-unfunny, flat and somewhat disappointing film that seems to favour crude humour over any real sense of satire or comic depth. Whilst Cohen is engaging enough in the part as the odd dictator, the film is overwhelming forgettable and ends up drowning in a sea of vulgarity. Perfect, then, for my friend. 

Clapperboard Review: * * 

Piranha 3DD

This review was nearly never written. Not because my laptop imploded or because I was attacked by mentally-deranged monkeys on my way home from the cinema. No, I nearly skipped writing a review of Piranha 3DD because it's hardly worth the effort. In fact, this film doesn't deserve to be discussed because, quite frankly, it's one of the worst films I have ever seen (I wouldn't say that lightly) and I'm slightly hesitant to waste anymore energy on it by typing this. However, I feel I have a duty: to warn you and perhaps beg you, to not see this film.

Any film which has the tag line “Double the action. Double the terror. Double the D's” was never going to win me over and, after seeing the trailer in which David Hasselhoff exclaims he's not a real lifeguard and bikini-clad women run around being bitten by demonic fish, I was rather dreading my trip to my local multiplex to see John Gulager's sequel to Piranha 3D. Piranha 3DD (see what they did there!) follows a similar plot to that of its predecessor – i.e. fantastically-aggressive fish terrorising all who dare to enter the water but this time, it's set in a water park. Simple set-up, simple plot. The first thing to be said about this monstrosity of a film is that the story is so weak and so all over the place, that the term 'plot' seems to be totally unsuitable. Character development was non-existent, the story was about as uneven as a Lego mattress and events seem to be purely geared towards splattering as much blood and guts at the audience as possible. But then again, what was I expecting?! There was, of course, no need for the film to be in 3D (apart from allowing the writers a cheap joke in the title) and did nothing to lift the one-dimensional characters and wooden acting.

Away from the technical aspects, the level of gore and fishy violence was rather stomach-turning, culminating in a child's head being bitten off by a piranha (hilarious, I know). Everything about this film was offensive and crass: women swimming around with no clothes on would be the least of a feminist's worries. An appearance by David Hasselhoff was laughable and rather desperate and made the whole proceedings seem like a bad dream. Marketed as a horror-comedy, I can assure you I was neither scared, nor amused and I'm sure there are college courses in public convenience cleaning which are more entertaining than the 83 minutes of boring drivel which I had to endure.

Poor production values (the continuity person should have been fed to the piranhas) and a philosophy that if enough slow motion shots of amply-bosomed women were used, the film would be improved, all led to my leaving the cinema in a state of shock. How could a film be that bad? How could anyone justify the amount of electricity used to project the film? How could I have paid £7.80 for the most awful hour and a half I have ever spent in a darkened room? The fact that a legless man blasting piranhas out of the water with a shotgun strapped to his prosthetic leg isn't the worst part of the film, speaks volumes. The romantic interest in the film could hardly have been called that and was so unintelligible that I was surprised to find that three people had wasted a large part of their lives writing the screenplay. Indeed, at times I wanted to fling myself into the killer-infested water to end it all.

All the prints of Piranha 3DD deserve to be locked in a box and buried in some Brazilian jungle where they will never be found again. Such a bad film should have made me feel angry when the credits rolled but, to be honest, I was just glad it was over. Offensive and unfunny, Piranha 3DD deserves to sink at the box office as a prime example of how not to make a film. Give me Transformers any day. 

Clapperboard Rating: *  

Dark Shadows

In many ways, Dark Shadows is similar to an Easter egg which, once the surface is cracked, you're invariably confronted by a gaping void of air (actually, I'm not even sure you can buy a fully-solid Easter egg!). Tim Burton's latest project is the filmic equivalent of this chocolate nothingness, albeit with a slightly bloodier taste.

Dark Shadows is the eighth collaboration between Burton and Johnny Depp and this time, Mr Wonka has been replaced with an altogether more supernatural being. Based on a 1960s television gothic soap opera, Dark Shadows sees Depp play Barnabas Collins, a 200 year-old vampire who, having broken the heart of a witch and been cursed by her to eternal damnation, is released from his coffin in 1972 America. On hearing of his family's difficult financial circumstances, Barnabas vows to avenge his family and restore their good name in the town which they built. And here we have the first problem: the plot. A film which places a vampire at the centre of a dispute about a family fish canning business was either going to need to be hugely funny or...well, hugely funny. And I'm afraid that it just didn't work. Add to this several characters whose function in the narrative was less-than-clear and the resulting two hours was predictable and somewhat painful.

This is not to say that the film was unenjoyable but the comedic elements in the film were, for the most part, very disappointing and barely raised the faintest of fanged smiles. Even the strong cast, starring Eva Green as the evil witch Angelique, Michelle Pfieffer, Helena Bonham Carter and Chloë Moretz could do little with a script which was as about as funny as open-heart surgery with a fish knife. Depp's enigmatic performance as the wronged vampire was amusing to watch but after the fiftieth joke about the Devil and “birthing hips”, even he began to get rather dull. An episodic narrative which was confused and seemed to forget many of the plot strands did little to help the situation. The film looks, of course, crazily-weird and has a distinctive aesthetic which only Burton could achieve. The psychedelic vibes of the 1970s are crashed head-on with the Gothic interiors of Barnabas' mansion and the costumes certainly added to the overall effect. From a directorial perspective, Burton has certainly toned-down the levels of crazy which can be found in some of his other films and whilst this may attract a larger audience, it has left the film (in the absence of any real humour) rather flat.

Eva Green's vamped-up witch performance, along with Depp's, was entertaining to watch and the special effects on her skin (if you see the film, you'll know what I mean) were very impressive. But this highlights one of the film's major problems. From the opening shots of Liverpool in the 1760s and the prologue of Barnabas' demise, the film's tone is laced with black humour and slightly surreal action – again, the hallmark of Burton. But by the film's climax, the tone has shifted to something altogether more dark and horror-like. This shift is rather mismanaged and the resulting effect is a film which doesn't quite know where it's pitched: it doesn't fully realise its comedic ambitions and, in many ways, gets too dark for its own good. Whilst these issues don't create a bad film, they certainly don't distinguish it from any other offering in the genre.

So, Dark Shadows is by no means Burton's weakest work, but nor is it exciting enough to raise the dead. Once the superficial exterior is cracked, the script's lack of humour leaves a cavernous void which is a shame, given Depp's potential. There are some competent performances, interesting visuals and a few enjoyable gags but apart from that, there's little real substance in which to sink your teeth. 

Clapperboard Rating: * * 

Marvel Avengers Assemble

The total sum of my knowledge about superheroes could be written on the back of a stamp, leaving more than enough room for the history essay I should be writing instead of this review. In fact, I probably know more about the intricacies of the Vatican Postal Service than I do about the powers of Hawkeye or Iron Man. Nevertheless, I sauntered along to my local multiplex in search of two hours of 'check-your-brain-in-at-the-door' sci-fi action twaddle. Marvel Avengers Assemble definitely gave me that. When Loki (Tom Hiddleston) summons a vast alien army to attack the Earth, the director of S. H. I. E. L. D. Nick Fury (Samuel L. Jackson) brings together a group of superheroes in a last-ditch attempt to save the world. Many a film has had a similar set up, but few are like Marvel Avengers Assemble...

Films such as this are never, ever about the plot. Anyone who tries to convince you otherwise has been watching too much Inception and is, quite frankly, trying too hard. A film such as The Avengers (as we shall now call it) is all about the action, all about the fights and not about much else. This is, in many ways, the downfall of many action blockbusters. Transformers in all of its hideous incarnations, is the prime example of this. Thanks to Michael Bay's plot structure and abysmal narrative construction, the action overwhelms the complicated story and leads the audience to a) not care about the characters and b) give up trying to understand what the hell is going on. The Avengers, however, has bucked this trend and has constructed a narrative which is neither overly-complex nor non-existent. The action sequences in the film (and there are many) are really engaging to watch and are strong enough to stand alone from the plot: it doesn't really matter if the audience don't have a clue what's happening, the resulting effect is hugely enjoyable.

These action sequences are superbly constructed and the CGI effects really are first-class. I saw the film in 3D but, as usual, it didn't add anything to the effects and I could have done without the gimmick (especially during the dark opening sequence). The battle sequences will delight both hard-core comic book fans and (like me) the casual viewer who doesn't know his Captain America from his Director Fury. Everything about this film is big: the stars, the explosions, the fights, the locations, the CGI, Chris Hemsworth's biceps. To say that The Avengers is gargantuan in its production would be a great understatement. Its big-name actors (Robert Downey Jr., Scarlett Johansson, Jeremy Renner, Gwyneth Paltrow, Chris Evans, to name a few) all perform well together and it was nice to see the screenwriters not shy away from creating a bit of tension between their characters. Hiddleston as the super-villain Loki was very impressive, especially with his manically evil smile and Johansson put in a convincing tough-girl performance. There were a few issues with the screen time given to each individual superhero but these were somewhat unavoidable and, for the most part, the characters were engaging and well-developed. The script never forgot the humanity of the characters which made their exploits all the more thrilling and Downey Jr.'s arrogant Iron Man provided much of the humour which fitted well with the overall tone of the film. Director Joss Whedon clearly has a love for Marvel's characters and this creates a film which has obviously been thought about and crafted.

Whilst I sat through some of the film's earlier scenes with a perplexed expression on my face as scientists discussed the effects of gamma radiation on the Tesseract (as you do), I soon settled into the plot and could just about follow what was happening – always a plus when it comes to this genre of film. Although Mark Ruffalo's Hulk went through about six t-shirts during his various tantrums, to sit back and watch a big green giant smashing everything in sight to smithereens was perfect 'popcorn' material (Ruffalo has been signed up to portray the Hulk in six more films, so the effect may wear off after a while). Marvel Avengers Assemble is an entertaining romp through comic book royalty and is massive in its visuals and ambitions. A solid cast, some stunning visual effects and an effective balance between plot and spectacle all lead to a thoroughly mad, but equally fun film. However, I still may need my superhero revision book... 

Clapperboard Rating: * * * *  

Jeff, Who Lives At Home

I'm not the biggest fan of surprises. I don't really know why, but I always fear the worst. The telephone rings after 8.00pm? Someone's died. Those two people whispering? They're talking about me. Those presents hidden in a cupboard? All from Poundland. That knock at the door? An axe murderer. But every now and then, a surprise comes along which is genuinely...well, surprising. This week, that surprise was Jeff, Who Lives At Home.

I went along to a preview screening of Jeff, Who Lives At Home, the latest film from the Duplass brothers, not expecting much. Actually, I'd psyched myself up to laugh as little as possible as the trailer made the film look rather dull and unfunny. Starring Jason Segel, Ed Helms and Susan Sarandon, the film follows Jeff, a lazy thirty-something pothead who lives in his mother's basement and generally does as much as your average uni student – i.e. not a lot. Despatched by his mother to buy some wood glue and fix a shutter, Jeff bumps into his brother as he tracks his wife who is possibly having an affair. Doesn't sound like much, but then again, you haven't met Jeff.

Jeff (Segel) is a philosophical kind of chap, with an obsession for the film Signs and a generally positive outlook on life. He isn't the sharpest of tools in the box and, to begin with, is rather annoying (if slightly funny). Waiting to find his destiny and having driven his mother to distraction with his refusal to make something of his life, Jeff is a complex character. At first, I felt it difficult to empathise with someone who has as much common sense as a stick of celery but, as the film progressed, I – along with the rest of the audience – began to warm to him. Segel's performance is pitched at just the right level, balancing humour and emotion with an apparent effortlessness which allowed the character of Jeff to develop over the course of the film. Helms as the less-than-understanding brother pulls of a competent performance, but the star of the film has to be their mother, played by Sarandon. Her perceptive and dynamic portrayal of a woman struggling with her relationships with her sons was unforced and a joy to watch. Shot in a pseudo-documentary style (which was rather uninspiring), the setting of suburban America perfectly reflected the banality of the characters' lives and yet was slightly ironic, given the existential theme of the film. Then again, it's not as ironic as McDonald's being the Official Restaurant of the 2012 Olympics.

A film of two halves would be the most appropriate way to describe the script which you would have thought had been written by two people...until you realise that it has. The first half of the film seems to have most of the gags, most of which raised a smile but little else. The second half, however, was where the magic happened. After lingering shots of waves, waterfall photos and birds in flight, I was slightly concerned that the dialogue would slip over into a pit of existential nonsense, the kind of which would appeal to anyone who wears a bow tie in everyday life. But, luckily (or perhaps skilfully), the Duplass brothers held it together and the second half was a really enjoyable experience. Jeff's naïve but truthful dialogue perfectly reflected the thoughts of other characters and really enhanced the message of the film: your destiny is whatever you want it to be. The denouement, although slightly clichéd, moved me and I felt that the film was genuine and good-natured in its intentions. In no way is this film a standard comedy. In many ways, the comedy took a sideline and was dominated by the drama.

Jeff, Who Lives At Home was a real surprise for me – and a good one at that. It's an affecting, genuine and charming little film which, despite its short running time of 83 minutes, manages to say so much. Catch it if you can, preferably when Jeff's at home.

Clapperboard Rating: * * * *

Jeff, Who Lives At Home is released nationwide 11^th May.

The Cabin in the Woods

I am in the unusual position of reviewing The Cabin in the Woods without having seen the ending. Or the last twenty minutes to be precise. Why, I hear you ask? Well, let's just say the film didn't agree with one of my fellow cinema goers... But from what I did see, I know one thing. It was like Scooby Doo on steroids. Crazy.

I've never really been into horror films. I just don't get them. Sure, they make me jump where they should and satisfy any bloodfest desires I may have on a Thursday afternoon. But I just can't handle their predictability; everything has been done before and almost all recent horror films just recycle conventions like they're on commission from the Green Party. To be frank, I find them a tad boring. As a budding film critic, however, I felt that a trip to see Drew Goddard's The Cabin in the Woods was in order, if only off the back of an impressive critic rating on Rotten Tomatoes. I was expecting a run-of-the-mill horror flick with little substance but what I got was a strange experience.

In a nutshell, the plot sees five university friends go on a holiday to a remote cabin – yep, you guessed it – in a wood, and start to realise that everything is not as it first seemed. Soon, they are fighting for their lives as a mysterious control centre manipulates them and their fate. So kinda Big Brother but without Davina...and with more blood. The film is a curious affair, and one which left me rather confused about my feelings towards it as I left...albeit prematurely. Firstly, the characterisation is superficial at best but gave enough for the audience to invest in the characters and care slightly about their fates. Furthermore, the developing narrative was slick and well-paced, balancing this character development with enough action and suspense to keep the audience engaged. Treading a thin line between taking itself too seriously and being very self-conscious of the horror conventions it patently follows, the film has been praised by some for setting the bar for future horror flicks and bringing something new to the well-worn genre. Personally, I saw little evidence for this but it is clear that The Cabin in the Woods is at least striving to be something more than a two dimensional, painting by numbers horror picture.

The plot is slightly mad and when it gets going, boy does it go crazy. The beginning will leave you wondering what on earth is going on and the ending (well, near-ending) will certainly make you think about lifts in a totally different light... The level of violence was also surprising for a 15 as it quite easily could have received an 18 certificate. Despite featuring Bradley Whitford, whom I rather like, the acting was about as flat as an Ikea wardrobe but then again, perfectly adequate for the genre. The special effects, if you can apply the term to zombies, were competent and relatively realistic given the amount of screen time the monsters had. I always maintain, however, that it is what the audience doesn't see that is the most disturbing as too much screen-time for one armed, child axe murderers can desensitise the audience to the horror: much like watching too much Jeremy Kyle. The Cabin in the Woods is by no means a shockingly awful film but, for me, nor is it a brilliantly new caricature of the horror genre. But then again, who am I to talk? I didn't even see the end...

PS This got me thinking, are there any films which would have been better had you walked out twenty minutes before the end? Answers on the back of a postcard... 

Clapperboard Rating: * * * 

Battleship

Hollywood seems to be running out of ideas. With more sequels/prequels/why-have-they-made-another-quels about to hit our screens this summer, it would appear that screenwriters' block has well and truly hit the big studios. But never fear, Hollywood has hit upon an almost limitless creative source for inspiration: board games. Battleship is based on the turn-based board game of the same name (hard to believe, I know) and sees the likes of Taylor Kitsch, Liam Neeson and Rihanna run around warships and make things explode in the name of saving the Earth from an alien invasion. Whatever next – Scrabble: The Movie?

When an international flotilla of warships encounters an alien spacecraft just off the Hawaiian coast, it falls to Alex Hopper (played by Taylor Kitsch, last seen in the flop that was John Carter) to defeat the alien race and ensure the survival of the fleet. Now, the first thing to say about Battleship is that it's all over the place. The pacing is diabolically bad, with the director Peter Berg seeming to only know gears 1 and 5, favouring block gear changes from slow, cliché-ridden dialogue to all out explosive action sequences in the blink of an eye. The overall effect of this uneven narrative is, to say the least, grating. One minute, we're trundling through one-liners such as “They ain't sinking this battleship” and the next, warships are being blown up with artillery meant to look like those little yellow tack things you'd use in the real game, helicopters are being ripped to shreds by angry yo-yos and alien spaceships are busting their moves on Hawaii's surf. Now, whilst submerged in the aural wall of ear-splitting explosions which accompanied these action sequences, I have to say that they did become quite fun. For about ten minutes. At over two hours long, the film could easily have been half an hour shorter and even then the action sequences would have lost their effect.

Watching Rihanna prance around a Destroyer armed with a MP5 submachine gun has to be one of the strangest cinema experiences I've had recently as I really don't understand why on earth she was in the film. Sure, her performance was adequate and her name on the posters will bring in a few more million for the studio but her character seemed incidental and almost like an afterthought: the world would still have been saved had she stuck to running around fields with not much on. Liam Neeson as the Admiral of the fleet gave his usual performance – Liam Neeson as Liam Neeson – and Brooklyn Decker as Hopper's love interest did little to make the threat from the aliens seem alarming. But maybe I'm being harsh – even the finest actors would have struggled to make the dialogue engaging.

Berg has followed in the directorial style of Michael Bay: that is to say, BANG, CRASH, BOOM, WALLOP, SMASH, but the special effects are pretty spectacular and it's refreshing that the film hasn't been released in 3D (if you want sinking ships in three dimensions, head over to Screen 2 showing Titanic). Shots of all kinds of military hardware being deployed, blown up and sunk were quite entertaining but, again, it was a case of too much of a good thing. The sheer madness of the battle sequences and the laughably-awful dialogue almost made the film seem self-conscious and aware of its own silliness. In the end, however, slow-motion shots of geriatric war veterans going to battle stations on a decommissioned battleship were just too much. I'd like to say that Battleship sank but, in reality, it never even floated. 

Clapperboard Rating: * *